I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
