Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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