If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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