My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
