It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
