I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
