I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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