i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
