We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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