i permit you to call me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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