BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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