My friends, they love my intelligence
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
