The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
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He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
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In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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