I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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