just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
