Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
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i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
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If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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