Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
