I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
