I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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