just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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