; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
