Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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