I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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