Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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