at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
