She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
