she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
