Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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