So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
