she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
