Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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