i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
