Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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