Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
