Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
