Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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