Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
