I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
