Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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