I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
