everyone is single if you try hard enough
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
