i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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