I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
