you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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