I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
