Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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