If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
