i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I've blown a few things in my day
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
this is an emotional support booty call
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
