i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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