I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
