Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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