It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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