So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
