im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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