Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
