Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
