just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
