so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
